I gotta admit, I started this whole thing to get all this junk out of my head.
And right now, that’s exactly what’s stopping me from posting stuff here. I keep getting lost in all the news about Google Gemini and NotebookLM. I’m hunting for the perfect workflows to improve my SECOND BRAIN in Obsidian, and on top of that, I’m trying to either keep three other blogs alive or get them off the ground. I just wanted this to be a braindump, but now I’m back to facing my old enemy: perfectionism. And it’s completely paralyzing me.
I started this blog to get things off my chest.
And then I get hung up on what I’ve already written. Or I look at the blog’s design and think,
„I should sink a ton of hours into making this look better.“
Anything and everything to avoid actually writing.
And now, hearing myself „say“ all this as I type it out, I just think, „What absolute nonsense.“
Why should I care about a post from a week ago?
Sure, it shouldn’t be crap, but I presumably took care of that a week ago.
It was good enough to post here a week ago. There’s no need to improve it now just because I’ve gotten better since then. Hopefully.
I actually want this site to be a practice ground for myself.
I’ve read a lot about the concept of a DIGITAL GARDEN – basically, a playground where you learn out in the open.
That’s exactly what I want. And yet, my first thoughts are always:
„How do I write an article on this topic myself? How can I get readers to my site that way? And anyway, should I start using social media so people even notice this place?“
Time and again, after wasting hours, I sit here and tell myself:
THAT IS EXACTLY NOT THE POINT.
This isn’t supposed to be something that blows up.
It’s supposed to give me freedom.
And if someone stumbles upon it and enjoys reading it:
Cool. But that shouldn’t be the goal.
And yet, I can’t seem to break free from it.
You (I) want to be read. You (I…) want people to appreciate the work you put into something, because why else would you bother „working“?
I don’t know. It’s a fine line between just wanting to vent your thoughts and optimizing everything for others.
And then the latter gets in my way again.
„Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good enough.“
That’s a quote whose meaning I’m very aware of. And yet, for me, „perfect“ is always the enemy of JUST DO(ing) IT.
And then there I am again. Haven’t written anything in weeks because I don’t think things are worth writing down.
Because they won’t interest anyone.
And anyway… why am I writing in English when it’s not my native language? Outwardly, I sell it (to myself) as wanting to get better at writing in English.
But inwardly, there’s that desire for a larger audience again.
And so these two hearts beat in my chest.
THOUGHTS OF MAYHEM is supposed to be an imperfect blog.
One that shows my unfiltered thoughts. Where I can write about my interests without any claim of it being the best thing I’ve ever written.
Basically, the first draft for things I can then refine on my other websites, or for my other projects.
The first draft, then, that can be improved, but without discarding this initial version. It lives on here. And I try not to come back every two weeks to correct old posts.
They are good as they are. They stay as they were. They reflect how I too have (hopefully) improved and evolved.
Maybe this will become the kind of diary I always wanted to have but never managed to keep, because even there, I always had it in the back of my mind that I had to write as cool as possible, just in case someone ever read it.
I’m not going to unpack my deepest thoughts here – although this post comes pretty close – but I will document initial „drafts“ of interests here.
Publish first thoughts on topics. That’s exactly why I chose the name. The „mayhem“ in my head needs to get out.
So I can see it myself and then work with it.
So, have fun inside my head. If there’s anyone other than my future self reading this.
And if it is myself re-reading this:
DUDE, LEAVE EVERYTHING HERE AS IT WAS WRITTEN. WRITE SOMETHING NEW!
Don’t waste time correcting the past. Make the present better.
And until then: Keep bringing order to the mayhem in your head.
