Hello my friends. The time is finally here. I can finally tell you my true story about how I came to Germany in 2011, why I was transferred to Germany, and why you have not heard from me for a while. I went back and forth with the CIA for a long time to get clearance to publish my side of things, and what you are reading here right now is what I was permitted to say. If there are gaps or questions left open… please know I would have loved to tell you everything and would have gladly gone into every single detail, but part of the deal for me to even step back into the public eye is simply that the CIA calls the shots regarding what I post about the past. Things look different for the future. I have free rein there again, but let me first tell you a small piece of my past in the form of my blog posts from back then, which I have put together as understandably as possible.. at least the parts that were not redacted by our friends at The Firm.
Here is a look in my blogposts from the past:
Let’s begin:
(Year: 2011)
There are moments in the life of a high-ranking politician when you can distinctly feel the air in the room getting thinner. For me, that moment was a rainy Tuesday morning in the Oval Office. Barack did not even really look at me as he slid the file across the desk. There had been an incident. A slip-up on my part that people were already whispering about in the hallways of the Capitol. They could not just fire me, I knew too much for that and my reputation in the party was still too solid. I needed an exit that looked like a promotion.
The solution was absurd, but genius: A top secret undercover mission in Europe. My assignment was to study the demographic shift in Germany. No official receptions, no embassy cocktails. I was supposed to blend in with the crowd. It was perfectly clear to me that this was just busywork, a gilded dead end. But as a penguin in the service of the US government, you have your pride. I convinced myself that this mission had a deeper meaning. The night before my departure, I was the only one left sitting in the White House, staring at the glowing screen of my MacBook and typing my first “disguised” status report in the form of a public blog. If the CIA was reading everything anyway, I might as well put on a show for them.
Hello World
(Year: 2011)
As a politician, I really should not speak out in public. Or rather: I should not speak out clearly and uncensored. That is exactly why I am sitting here right now pulling this late-night move.
Nowadays everyone has a blog. So I thought to myself: man, you can do that too. And since I have a lot coming up in the near future that is worth reporting on, I sat down at this site after work. It is damn late, and I am the only one who still has the lights on in the White House. But maybe that is a good thing. That way, this does not immediately attract the attention of the wrong crowd, but only of those who really want to see it.
Back to the topic. I want to give you guys some real background info on what life as an ambassador looks like away from the cameras. Forget the typical nonsense we have to deliver as soon as CNN or NBC are in the room. You get me. After work. When I lock my office from the inside and really spill the beans on how things actually run.
But the real kicker is yet to come: The President himself has selected me for a mission. A deal of the highest importance. I am traveling over to Germany in my capacity as an ambassador. Official assignment: capture the mood over there so the guys in Washington can get a picture of Europe. What exactly is really behind it in the end, we will read between the lines.
When exactly it kicks off is not set yet. But when it does, you will be the first to know. I will keep you posted right here.
Until then: do not tell anyone!
The Mission is Clear
I was at the Oval Office with Barack today to get the final instructions for my “mission”. Ambassador in the field.
In exactly two weeks it gets serious. The tickets are booked, the flight lands at 19:05 Central European Time in Düsseldorf. After that I am supposed to report directly to the embassy. That will be a pretty tight squeeze because the guys over there close up shop at 20:00, but I am not sweating it. It will work out fine.
I did some digging today regarding my new home. More specifically, all of North Rhine-Westphalia, the Rhineland and the Ruhr area. I am not really making sense of it yet, because I do not know 100 percent where I will actually end up. At first glance, there does not seem to be much of a difference. As long as it is not the absolute worst case scenario, I am keeping it relaxed and going in with the best intentions.
Until the flight, I am facing two incredibly stressful weeks. One briefing right after another, final instructions for the foreign correspondence. They have also made it unmistakably clear to me that I will not be returning to the United States anytime soon, because the mission is extremely extensive and Washington just likes to have its eyes and ears everywhere. But who am I telling this.
It is the middle of the night again, but I wanted to write this down right away while the meeting with Number One is still fresh in my head. And how could it have been any different: The colleagues from the Central Intelligence Agency naturally know about this page right here. Their only comment? I should be damn careful about what I write so that the whole thing does not compromise national security, just because I feel the need to entertain the internet. They strongly suggested that I do not disclose the true reason for the trip. Nobody needs to know more than that I am a field ambassador acting directly on the orders of the President. Fine, then that is how it stays. I have no idea why they are making such a big deal out of it, since that is all it is about anyway.
Before I leave, I naturally still have to keep up several contacts with friends and say my goodbyes. For me, that means two weeks of nonstop speed dating, if you catch my drift. It is not a goodbye forever anyway. I am keeping my house in Washington and my apartment in New York, of course. As soon as time allows, I will come back for a few relaxing days of home leave. Even on a mission for the President, you get some time off after all.
The good thing about this is that our lines of communication are incredibly short. No endless chain of command, I report directly to the President of the United States.
Of course, on the international stage, that instantly makes me public enemy number one for quite a few nations. Some might think it is reckless that I am writing so openly here about who I report to. But I prefer to lay my cards on the table. Whoever wants to mess around with it will find out anyway. So I might as well announce it myself.
Because let us be honest, Amigos: You know now THAT and FOR WHOM I work. But you will never find out the deeper meaning behind it, no matter how deep you dig. You can be absolutely sure of that.
On that note, work is calling. I will talk to you all in a few days!
Leaving Washington hit me harder than I cared to admit. Two weeks of speed dating to tie up all the loose ends, close up the house in D.C. and the apartment in New York, and give people the impression I would be coming back soon. The flight to Europe was the moment reality truly set in. I was not on Air Force One. I was on a regular commercial flight, squeezed in between tourists, watching movies where my own reflection had turned into a caricature.
The eagle has landed
Layover in New York. I am spending one last day here before finally heading out on the big trip across the Atlantic. New York City, my old stomping grounds. It feels good to leave all the madness from D.C. behind for a minute.
But now the time has come: everything is behind me and I am sitting on the plane. I absolutely cannot complain about my seat, a window row and not a single seat neighbor anywhere in sight. Maximum comfort for a rogue government official.
After the goodbye marathon of the last two weeks, I have barely slept at all. So the plan was actually: close my eyes and catch up on sleep. If I wake up in between, I will upload an update here, since you do not have anything better to do on a plane anyway. So I put on a movie and hope it puts me to sleep.
No such luck: Sleep was absolutely out of the question. Instead, I laughed so hard at times that the rest of the passengers stared at me completely dumbfounded. What is wrong with them? Have they never seen a laughing penguin in a suit before?! I somehow made it through this brilliant flick, but now I am completely done. I am going to crash now.
Catch you in Germany!
When I stepped off the plane in Düsseldorf, it was raining. My plan was logical and diplomatically sound: I would find a low-key but upscale hotel in the Old Town, report to the official embassy the next day, and coordinate my field work from there. But that first contact with German culture hit like a bomb. The concept of “Altbier” was new to me. The speed at which it was served in those little glasses was, too. A quick scope of the scene turned into a total bender. I met Kay and his crew. One night at the bar in the SUB suddenly turned into my new life. Instead of being in a secure government safehouse, I woke up the next day in Duisburg. In a damn guest bed.
